BitterSweet
by Black Rien
Summary: Life for Skulduggery Pleasant is anything but ordinary. Oh well, after a few hundred years as a walking corpse, I suppose one gets used to it… A series of comedic short stories.
1. Pudgemidgeon

Summary:  
Life for Skulduggery Pleasant is anything but ordinary.  
Oh well, after a few hundred years as a walking corpse, I suppose one gets used to it…

Disclaimer:  
I do not own _'Skulduggery Pleasant'_.  
Derek Landy does…

* * *

Bitter-Sweet

Chapter 1; _'Pudgemidgeo__n'_

* * *

A slightly hysterical laugh broke the silence of the dungeon in which Skulduggery Pleasant was currently being held captive. It would seem as if he had been abducted in his sleep.

How a supernatural skeletal detective sleeps at all shall remain a mystery.

Either way, Skulduggery stretched as much as his manacled arms would allow before turning his head towards the source of the noise.

"Ha! I've got you, Mr. Pleasant!" said a rather large man with a hooked nose wearing a purple jumpsuit.

"How nice."

The man gave a flabergasted stutter, "Wha- Do you have any idea where you are?" he demanded, his portly face taking on a slightly red hue.

"No."

"Do you know who I am?"

"No."

"I am the great Hollander Pudgemidgeon!"

A silence resounded for a few moments before he was answered, "… Honestly?"

The angry red faded from the man's face and in its place was a look of pride, "So, then, Mr. Pleasant, you _do_ know who I am!"

"Ah, sorry, no…"

The man hunched his shoulders in exasperation, "B- but you recognized my name, didn't you?"

Skulduggery shook his head, "No, no, I just thought it was a rather amusing moniker you've chosen for yourself… Suits you though… Pudge and all…"

The man's face turned scarlet, though it was hard to tell if it was caused by embarassment or anger, "I AM HOLLANDER PUDGEMIDGEON AND I'M GOING TO DESTROY YOU!" the man bellowed.

Skulduggery tilted his head, "Ah, is that so?"

"IT IS! Now, behold your doom!" he shouted as he opened a door off to the left of the dungeon revealing a small, metal cage.

From inside, vicious snarling sounds could be heard.

The large man grinned triumphantly, "Do you know what these are, Mr. Pleasant?" he asked with a haughty tone.

The detective stared for a bit, "… Are they dogs, Pudge?"

The man's eye ticked, "Yes, they are dogs," he ground out through his teeth, "AND NEVER CALL ME PUDGE!"

Skulduggery adjusted his legs from where he was kneeling on them and stood up, the chains around his narrow wrists refusing to let him stand at full height.

"So… The dogs are part of my demise, then?"

The now very irate man snarled, "Of course they are!"

"I see."

The man's eye twitched again, "Do you know what dogs do Mr. Pleasant?" he asked as patiently as he could.

Skulduggery nodded, "They eat too much, soil carpets, and fetch sticks… They also have a nasty habit of slobbering all over you when you least expect it…"

Pudgemidgeon stomped his feet in a rage, "NO, YOU SKELETAL HALF-WIT! BONES! DOGS LIKE BONES! THEY TEAR THEM APART WITH THEIR TEETH!" he shrieked, his face redder than the blood that filled it.

Skulduggery nodded, "Ah, very well. Proceed…"

The man curled his meaty fists, "I- I will! I'll do just that!"

Without futher ado, he opened the cage and a large black dog ran out straight at the detective, its mouth white with foam.

Five feet from its target, Skulduggery sighed.

Its jaws opened wide and were about clamp down on his right leg when his left shot up and connected with the animal's ribcage, tossing into the other corner of the room.

Once again the dog charged back, its master's face alight with glee, when Skulduggery spoke, "Heel, puppy…"

Upon which, the dog stopped, laid down on its paws and gazed up at him with a whimper.

Pudgemidgeon stuttered in disbelief as Skulduggery pulled the shackles out of the concrete wall and stood upright.

Seeing the look on the man's face, Skulduggery explained, "You drilled the holes for the shackles into the same concrete block… Kicking the mutt jerked my arms forward causing a fissure… One more strong pull was all it took to break it…"

The large man moaned and fell to the ground.

"Hey, don't feel bad… Not everyone can be as amazing as me… Oh, speaking of which…"

Skulduggery shrugged the shackles off and lifted his right hand where he proceeded to detatch his index finger.

Walking over to Pudgmidgeon, he pulled the man up. Waving the piece of bone at the dog who was staring at it intently, he dropped it into the breast-pocket on the larger man's jump-suit.

Giving it a pat, he looked the man in the eyes, "I'd start running about now, you know how dogs _love_ bones…"

He whistled at the dog, pointed at Pudgmidgeon and gave his command, "Fetch…"

The dog did just that…

* * *

A day or so later, Skulduggery and Valkyrie were talking amongst themselves in the local park when Valkyrie noticed something odd.

"Skulduggery?" she said, "I think a piece of you is missing."

He lifted his hand, "Yes, indeed it is…"

She gave him her best tolerant look, "Do you know where it is? Or where you might have… _dropped _it?"

He looked off to the side, "I have an idea. No worries though. Important things always have a way of coming back to you…"

She gave him a surprised look.

"Especially if that person is as magnificent as me…"

Valkyrie sighed, _'Same old Skulduggery…'_

Off to their left, a large, black dog was trotting towards them, a long, white object dangling from its mouth…

* * *

A/N: I finally got back on this and made a revised edition.  
Here it is. Please forgive any mistakes in later chapters,  
I have only read book one. The others are being shipped to  
me within a week.

Tumbling Tundra


	2. The Window

Summary:  
Life for Skulduggery Pleasant is anything but ordinary.  
Oh well, after a few hundred years as a walking corpse, I suppose one gets used to it…

Disclaimer:  
I do not own _'Skulduggery Pleasant'_.  
Derek Landy does…

* * *

Bitter-Sweet

Chapter 2; _'The Window'_

* * *

Detective Skulduggery Pleasant and his partner Valkyrie were staking out the 'lair' of a potential threat when Valkyrie yawned loudly.

It was nearly midnight and apparently she was getting very tired.

"That's not very lady-like, you know…"

Skulduggery received a glare in return, "Shut up…" Valkyrie groaned, "It's late, I'm tired, and this is _boring_. He's done nothing but sit inside his house all day!"

He looked over at her from where they were hiding, which turned out to be a thick, high-set branch on a tree just outside the target's house.

"… Do you want to take a nap?"

"No!" she huffed, "I want to _do _something, not sit in a tree for hours on end!"

She got a nod in return, "Ah. Alright then… What do you want to do? In a tree? At midnight? With me?"

Valkyrie closed her eyes and thought about it for a minute. "Skulduggery?"

"Yes?"

"Can you… tell me a story?"

Receiving a blank look in return she stuttered out more, "Just 'cause this is so boring! Y- you know some stories, right, Skul?"

"Certainly."

A few more minutes passed by before Valkyrie spoke again, "Can you _tell_ me one of these stories of your?" she asked politely.

"I can." was the reply.

Ten more minutes flew by. Valkyrie crossed her arms, "_Will_ you tell me a story, Skulduggery?"

He shrugged, "If you insist…"

The skeleton detective gave a sighing noise before he began, "Once upon a time, there was a window…"

"Wha-? Why a window?"

"Hush. The window was attached to a house…"

"A house?"

"A magic house, now hush."

Valkyrie sighed and gestured for him to continue.

"Inside the house lived a girl… Named Stephanie…"

_"Skulduggery…" _Valkyrie called warningly, but was waved off.

"Stephanie was small… and troublesome… Oddly enough, her friend was one of the most amazing people the world has ever known…"

"Was _'Stephanie's' _friend a skeleton?" she asked with a faint smirk.

"What? No, of course not. That's just silly… Now, Stephanie and her friend were inside Stephanie's house when her friend went into the kitchen for a drink, leaving Stephanie alone by the window…"

Valkyrie gave him a puzzled look, "What's her friend's name?"

"He's too amazing for a name. If I told you, your brain might just explode… Now, _hush_…"

Skulduggery scartched the top of his skull with a bony finger before speaking again, "Now, Stephanie decided to look out the window while she was waiting for her friend… Off in the distance, she saw two small, yellow circles growing nearer and nearer to the window."

Valkyrie swallowed audibly.

"Now, as the creature got closer to the window, Stephanie was able to make out its general shape… It was tall and lanky, with gray skin and sunken eyes…"

"What kind of story is thi-"

_"Hush…_ You must _never _interupt a master story teller, Valkyrie." he admonished, "Now where was I? Oh, yes. Stephanie huddled against the wall so that the monster would not see her… After it had moved, she quickly and quietly moved towards the kitchen door. Upon hearing a scratching sound, however, Stephanie turned back to the window… The monster gazed in at her, its eyes wide and hungry… Stephanie screamed… The monster broke through the window and grabbed her… Poor little Stephanie never stood a chance... The monster sunk its enormous incisors into her neck and ripped it to shreds."

Valkyrie made an idignant noise, "SKULDUGGERY!"

His hand quickly covered her mouth, "I told you to hush, we are undercover you know… Back to the story; Stephanie lay bleeding on the floor as the monster stalked into the kitchen where it found her friend."

Valkyrie smirked mentally, _'Well, if 'I' die, looks like 'Skulduggery's' dying too…"_

"… Where it was quickly decapitated with a cleaver and tossed into the dumpster out behind the house…"

She blanched, her jaw certainly hitting the branch she was sitting on.

"Stephanie was buried the next day… Everyone cried… Except her friend… Who was terribly sorry for her misfortune…"

Valkyrie glared at Skulduggery, daring him to say another word.

"… The end!"

That did it.

"Skulduggery Pleasant, what kind of a story was _that_? Why did I have to die, huh?"

He patted her on the shoulder, placing one finger against his non-existant lips, "Shh… It's from a book… _'Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark'_, I think… Because its dark…"

"I wanted a nice story!"

"It was perfectly nice."

"How was it nice?"

"It had a beginning, a middle, and an end."

Valkyrie's head thuded gently against the tree as she sighed. "Skulduggery?"

"Yes?"

"You sure are something, aren't you?"

"Of course I am. I'm me."

Valkyrie laughed. She probably wouldn't sleep well once this mission was over.

The next day, Valkyrie was digging through the local library when she stumbled upon a tattered old book. She blew some dust off the cover and wiped the rest off with her sleeve.

In crooked letters, _'Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark' _was faintly visible. She promptly checked the book out.

Once at home, Valkyire flipped the book open to the index. A few stories down she saw one titled _'The Window'_. She turned the pages hastily and began reading.

Several pages later, she let out a shriek, "SKULDUGGERY PLEASANT! YOU KILLED ME ON PURPOSE!"

Because, as it turned out, the female character who was 'murdered' by the monster, actually was only bitten on the neck…

It looks like retaliation is in order…

* * *

A/N: I love this, it is so much fun to write.  
Oh, um... If anyone has an idea for a chapter,  
please please please let me know. If I use your idea,  
I will definately give you credit (cross my heart).  
It's not easy coming up with ideas, especially  
when you have to write a character as _spectacular _  
as Skulduggery. =)

Tumbling Tundra


	3. The Pink Coat

Summary:  
Life for Skulduggery Pleasant is anything but ordinary.  
Oh well, after a few hundred years as a walking corpse, I suppose one gets used to it…

Disclaimer:  
I do not own _'Skulduggery Pleasant'_.  
Derek Landy does…

**Top A/N:  
**A wonderful, magnificent, Skulduggery's-ego-sized  
thank you to **Raychael Dionzeros** for suggesting this =)  
It was about ten at night when I checked my email and read your review.

I spent the past week or so immersed in plot. Mmm… plot.

* * *

Bitter-Sweet

Chapter 3; The Pink Coat

* * *

Years before he met Stephanie, or as she was now known, Valkyrie Cain, Skulduggery Pleasant had a most… unfortunate occurance. It started out simply enough, with a new order for the Elemental tailor, Ghastly Bespoke, to fashion him a new cloak…

* * *

"I need a new jacket." Skulduggery said, standing in the center of Ghastly's sewing room. Various threads hung from the ceiling, almost every colour possible. The disfigured man looked up from where he was seated, stitching together a custom order.

"And what happened to the last one?"

"Goblins decided that I was simply too amazing to not be eaten." came the nonchalant reply.

The man grimaced, though a fraction of a smile lit his face, "What happened to my jacket, then?"

"I threw them the jacket and made a spectacular exit."

"You mean you high-tailed it out of there."

"Yes."

A moment of silence as the empty sockets never left Ghastly's face ensued. After a few minutes, Ghastly sighed.

"Alright," was the answer as Ghastly returned to his work.

Skulduggery nodded and gave a light, "Thank you," and left the room.

* * *

"Ghastly?"

"Hmm?"

"What is that?"

"Your new jacket."

It was undoubtedly the most unuasual thing that Skulduggery had ever seen. And after living so long that even he could hardly remember, he had seen some very unusual things.

The jacket was pink, the kind of pink one uses to decorate the room of a newborn girl; soft and smooth and pink like roses.

It was long, probably able to go past Skulduggery's knees, with multiple pockets hidden on the inside and silver buttons.

The pockets were usesful, the buttons were tasteful, but the colour…

"Ghastly," Skulduggery drawled, head tilted slightly from the earlier shock of see his new jacket, "This is not my jacket. Give it to China."

Ghastly scowled and shook his head, "China Sorrows?"

Skulduggery nodded.

"How could she possibly fit in a coat this size?"

Skulduggery though it over a moment, then, "We end her along a box of high-calorie chocolates. She'll fill it out in no time."

Ghastly huffed and waved the fabric through the air, "Even if you did something that stupid, Pleasant, this is the only colour fabric I have left!"

* * *

And so, in search of new, not-pink fabrics, the two embarked into a more populous area of the city. Skulduggery received even more stares than Ghastly, as the only remaining jacket for him to wear was, of course, the pink one.

Stifled giggles ensued until, with a gasp, a fat man rushed forward and grabbed onto Ghastly's arm, pointing a chubby finger at Skulduggery, "Aha!" he declared, eyes flashing with glee, "I've found you again, Skulduggery Pleasant! And now I have… who are you, exactly?"

Ghastly proceeded to punch the man in the nose.

"OH, OUCH! WHY DID YOU _DO_ THAT?" the man squeeled, holding his hands over his bleeding nose. With a gruff growling noise, the man grabbed Ghastly tighter, looking up at the detective, "IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEE YOUR VIOLENT FRIEND AGAIN, MEET ME WHERE WE FIRST MET!"

With a flash of bright purple smoke, the fat man disappeared, leaving behind a very confused Skulduggery, "Who was that…?"

* * *

Hollander Pudgemidgeon was not the most powerful villain, nor was he the brightest. He did, however, have the uncanny ability of showing up when he was least expected. And least wanted...

He cackled in what he believed to be a menacing manner, watching as the disfigured man who was chained to the wall glared at him.

Of course, this time he had re-enforced the walls and the manacles to be ten times as strong as they were before, why the Home Depot manager had told him so! Even if the man looked slightly put off by him…

No matter! He would have his revenge on Skulduggery Pleasant, for humiliating him and for the vicious scar now present on his left arm.

"Vengance shall be mine! And after I have it, I shall take over the wor-!"

Suddenly, the portly man was flying through the air until he landed with a sickening crunch on the wall opposite his previous position.

Skulduggery strolled into the room, calm as you please, grabbed a small hammer off of one of the tables, and brought it down on Ghastly's shackles.

With a sigh, the smaller stood up, rubbing at his wrists and frowning up at Skulduggery, "Do you have any idea who this nut is?"

Skulduggery turned to the portly man groaning on the floor across from them, "No idea…"

Just as the two were leaving, however, the man raised himself onto his knees, pointed his hands at the two, and shouted something incoherant.

A flash of pink and a quick bit of running later, the two stood outside the decrepid building. Ghastly spoke first, "Well, that was fun," he said, and then after a moment's pause, "You can let go of my hand now…"

As Skulduggery looked between them, he saw that their hands were indeed connected. A harsh jerk sent Ghastly colliding with his chest and shouting angrily, "What the hell was that for?" he demanded, "If you're going to do something like that, at least let go of my hand first!"

"I can't," came the reply.

"W- what do you mean you _can't_? Of course you can, just-" Ghaslty froze as he realized that their hands may as well have been super-glued together…

* * *

They had checked every spare corner of the building, searching for Hollander Pudgemidgeon, but to no avail. The man was gone without a trace, leaving the two with no idea as to how they could unstick their hands.

And so, they wandered through the streets, searching for some sort of common solvent that might be able to help them.

Needless to say, the two received many odd looks due to their joined hands which refused to become unstuck. Eventually, the spell wore off, but the people never forgot the day that a disfigured man walking through the town with a tall, almost anemic-looking fellow wearing a pink trenchcoat, hand in hand, searching high and low for glue remover.

China at least never let them forget it…

* * *

"Skulduggery?" Valkyrie asked, staring with confusion at the coat in front of her, "What is this?"

"Oh, that? That's nothing at all, let's go."`The skeletal detective walked out of the room, leaving his partner and the pink coat alone in his spare room.

Valkyrie frowned once at the pink disaster and then followed¸ making a mental note to ask about it. Surely China would know…

* * *

A/N: Thanks again to **Raychael Dionzeros,  
**who wanted Skul and Ghastly to be mistaken for a gay couple =)  
I really wanted to go in depth with this, but I also wanted to post it asap...  
Maybe in the coming weeks, I'll go back over and give China's bit a go ^^

Again, if you have any ideas, share, I am almost out of material ^^;

Tumbling Tundra


End file.
